Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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