No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
