I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
