I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I wear drunk well.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
