No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
