No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
