for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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