he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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