hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I love having hate sex.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
