when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
