My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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