So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
