Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
