if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
