tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
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