I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
