You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
