I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water