the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
