I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
