i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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