Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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