Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
