Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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