We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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