the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
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I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
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I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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