As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
