Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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