did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
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After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
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hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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