I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Houston, we have a squirter
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
