im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
