I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
