mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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