And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
