I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
