On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
