If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
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I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
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Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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