Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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