apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
