I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
My feet surprised me
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
