I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
