There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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