Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
