I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
