There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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