mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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