YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
