really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
