If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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