My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
