how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
