Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
