and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
