Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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