Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
