Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
