Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.