I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
