Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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